Failure sucks.

Well, I made it three posts, almost 10 years ago now.  I had some success in that diet.  In fact, by graduation, I managed to lose 33 lbs.  I was doing great!  We went out to dinner after the ceremony, and boy did we celebrate.  Good Scotch, great beef, mashed potatoes, crabcakes, all of those trimmings.  Then the next day I had dinner with my whoever, and it was glorious, then the day after that and so on and so forth for the next 10 years. 

Yeah, I let myself down, and that sucked.  I lied to my family about how well I was doing on my diet, or how much I was exercising - I figured that I could make those lies true if I believed them hard enough.  I'd eventually get back on the wagon, sort out the weight gain and make it all perfect.  Life doesn't really work that way.  You don't often get to approach a problem with lies and subterfuge and walk away having made every bit of it true.  Instead, you get what happened to me.  Lies followed by a bit of dodging my own conscience, followed by more lies and potato chips.

Eventually around 2012 I had to have a fairly major medical procedure - not weight related. My first wake up call was the surgeon mentioning that he could do stuff surgically to help me.  I've always had a terrifying fear of the knife, and so I began the longest journey of my life.  It hasn't been a concrete journey, with goals measured by a tape or weight - or at least it didn't start that way.

I began by giving up soda.  My teeth were not doing great, a cavity here or there and then there was a back to back root canal.  Soda, diet and sugared had to go.  That took a minute, probably a solid 6 months before I wasn't tempted. 

By 2014 I was not any closer to a weight goal, i mean I hadn't weighed in since 2012.  I knew I was getting fatter though, when i bought my first 4xlt shirt - i'm not a tall man.  Around that time my little brother came to live with my wife and I for a couple of months.  He taught me a bit about boxing (he boxed in ROTC in college).  I thought I had found a way to be active, and spare my knees.  Again this worked for a bit, but then he had to move, and I lost motivation without someone watching me.

In 2016 my wife and I moved to New York - upstate, Rochester area (Western New York to the locals).  I took up boxing again, and stuck with it.  Then I read about intermittent fasting.  Assuming this isn't my last post, you'll hear more about that. I kept the 16:8 routine (irreligiously and dropped it when convenient...so religiously? :p).  I still wasn't weighing myself, but I was losing something as my clothes - even that 4XLT was getting a bit tight - were starting to fit better.

In July of 2019 I finally went to the doctor, it had been 4 years since i had a checkup, and i was scared.  My new Doc is my hero, and again, if this isn't my last post, there will be more on this interaction later.  He motivated me to get off my ass and buy a scale...

441.6 lbs...Jesus Christ.

I never imagined that.  I knew I was over 400 because my old medical scale wouldn't register any more.  But 441? almost 80 lbs more than when I graduated in 2010?  /sigh. 

All wasn't lost, though.  I was going to try.  My checkup wasn't bad.  I'm not pre-diabetic.  all of my blood tests were good, kidney, liver, etc.  The way I've abused my body over the years, this was the best news I could have received.  My doctor told me to try 5:2 intermittent fasting.  So I said "Fuck it, once more into the breach, we have to avoid that knife, boys." 

I made a bunch of mistakes getting started.  I fasted too long, didn't eat enough on non-fast days, and was miserable for about 2 weeks.  Then things started to change.  I was doing a combination of 5:2 w/ OMAD, and trying to make sensible choices in food.  After about 2 weeks, all of a sudden, my hunger cravings dropped out.  I wasn't living in a fog in my head because of the need for calories.  I still had all kinds of hunger related nonsense, but the torturous parts stopped licking at my heels...I was in control.

And here I am, still a fat fucking American, but I'm enjoying more success, with a brighter chance at success than ever - and it has to be, because the next step is the knife.

Since July 9th, 2019 I have lost 66.6 lbs.  Seemed as good a number as any to necropost to this blog.
I still have a long way to go.  but I'm really hopeful to get to the 100lb mark by my birthday - about 3 weeks ahead of the 1 year anniversary.

I'm struggling to see the changes in my body.  I feel them, and I know they're there, but I wish I could superimpose an outline of my starting bloat on my current visage.  I have setbacks, and bad days - but I treat every day as new, and wake up just trying to make the best choices that I can every day, while cutting myself some slack within my regimen to enjoy things that are definately bad fore me.  But by not denying those cravings - but sticking to my eating windows and making generally good choices, the weight is coming off - and i feel in control.

Good luck to all of my fellow fatties, You are the only one that can do this for yourself, but you don't have to be alone.  Discipline with mercy is the name of my new game.  Grant yourselves some mercy, don't dwell on your past failings, and don't give up on yourself.  You are human (probably...if not, say hello to Krombopulos Michael for me), and you are fallible, but you can grant yourself a little grace and start again. 

~374.8