Failure sucks.

Well, I made it three posts, almost 10 years ago now.  I had some success in that diet.  In fact, by graduation, I managed to lose 33 lbs.  I was doing great!  We went out to dinner after the ceremony, and boy did we celebrate.  Good Scotch, great beef, mashed potatoes, crabcakes, all of those trimmings.  Then the next day I had dinner with my whoever, and it was glorious, then the day after that and so on and so forth for the next 10 years. 

Yeah, I let myself down, and that sucked.  I lied to my family about how well I was doing on my diet, or how much I was exercising - I figured that I could make those lies true if I believed them hard enough.  I'd eventually get back on the wagon, sort out the weight gain and make it all perfect.  Life doesn't really work that way.  You don't often get to approach a problem with lies and subterfuge and walk away having made every bit of it true.  Instead, you get what happened to me.  Lies followed by a bit of dodging my own conscience, followed by more lies and potato chips.

Eventually around 2012 I had to have a fairly major medical procedure - not weight related. My first wake up call was the surgeon mentioning that he could do stuff surgically to help me.  I've always had a terrifying fear of the knife, and so I began the longest journey of my life.  It hasn't been a concrete journey, with goals measured by a tape or weight - or at least it didn't start that way.

I began by giving up soda.  My teeth were not doing great, a cavity here or there and then there was a back to back root canal.  Soda, diet and sugared had to go.  That took a minute, probably a solid 6 months before I wasn't tempted. 

By 2014 I was not any closer to a weight goal, i mean I hadn't weighed in since 2012.  I knew I was getting fatter though, when i bought my first 4xlt shirt - i'm not a tall man.  Around that time my little brother came to live with my wife and I for a couple of months.  He taught me a bit about boxing (he boxed in ROTC in college).  I thought I had found a way to be active, and spare my knees.  Again this worked for a bit, but then he had to move, and I lost motivation without someone watching me.

In 2016 my wife and I moved to New York - upstate, Rochester area (Western New York to the locals).  I took up boxing again, and stuck with it.  Then I read about intermittent fasting.  Assuming this isn't my last post, you'll hear more about that. I kept the 16:8 routine (irreligiously and dropped it when convenient...so religiously? :p).  I still wasn't weighing myself, but I was losing something as my clothes - even that 4XLT was getting a bit tight - were starting to fit better.

In July of 2019 I finally went to the doctor, it had been 4 years since i had a checkup, and i was scared.  My new Doc is my hero, and again, if this isn't my last post, there will be more on this interaction later.  He motivated me to get off my ass and buy a scale...

441.6 lbs...Jesus Christ.

I never imagined that.  I knew I was over 400 because my old medical scale wouldn't register any more.  But 441? almost 80 lbs more than when I graduated in 2010?  /sigh. 

All wasn't lost, though.  I was going to try.  My checkup wasn't bad.  I'm not pre-diabetic.  all of my blood tests were good, kidney, liver, etc.  The way I've abused my body over the years, this was the best news I could have received.  My doctor told me to try 5:2 intermittent fasting.  So I said "Fuck it, once more into the breach, we have to avoid that knife, boys." 

I made a bunch of mistakes getting started.  I fasted too long, didn't eat enough on non-fast days, and was miserable for about 2 weeks.  Then things started to change.  I was doing a combination of 5:2 w/ OMAD, and trying to make sensible choices in food.  After about 2 weeks, all of a sudden, my hunger cravings dropped out.  I wasn't living in a fog in my head because of the need for calories.  I still had all kinds of hunger related nonsense, but the torturous parts stopped licking at my heels...I was in control.

And here I am, still a fat fucking American, but I'm enjoying more success, with a brighter chance at success than ever - and it has to be, because the next step is the knife.

Since July 9th, 2019 I have lost 66.6 lbs.  Seemed as good a number as any to necropost to this blog.
I still have a long way to go.  but I'm really hopeful to get to the 100lb mark by my birthday - about 3 weeks ahead of the 1 year anniversary.

I'm struggling to see the changes in my body.  I feel them, and I know they're there, but I wish I could superimpose an outline of my starting bloat on my current visage.  I have setbacks, and bad days - but I treat every day as new, and wake up just trying to make the best choices that I can every day, while cutting myself some slack within my regimen to enjoy things that are definately bad fore me.  But by not denying those cravings - but sticking to my eating windows and making generally good choices, the weight is coming off - and i feel in control.

Good luck to all of my fellow fatties, You are the only one that can do this for yourself, but you don't have to be alone.  Discipline with mercy is the name of my new game.  Grant yourselves some mercy, don't dwell on your past failings, and don't give up on yourself.  You are human (probably...if not, say hello to Krombopulos Michael for me), and you are fallible, but you can grant yourself a little grace and start again. 

~374.8

Discipline

I have tried to lose weight before now. About a year ago, I tried to develop a "plan" to lose weight and to really give it a try. What I did instead was try to eat less without making sure that I actually did eat less. The result is that I lost a little bit during the short term and really went know where in the long. In the end I lacked discipline.

Discipline is not to be found in "winging it" is what I have discovered. For me, the only possible solution is to rigidly structure when I eat and to set a threshold for how much I eat. In the case of my current diet, I eat 3 meals a day and allow myself a snack of 1 oz almonds. In my meals I try to eat about 3 oz of lean protein and another 3-8 ounces of vegetables depending on how hungry I am. I make sure that if the vegetable that I choose does not supply at least some natural sugar, that I squeeze some lime juice or lemon juice onto something on my plate. I believe that our bodies have evolved to make use of the raw forms of food on the planet. While a low carb diet -is- working for me, it would be ridiculous to reject carbs out of hand, because we need them for a reason. I have found that a little natural sugar in whatever I'm eating, combined with low carb, high protein leaves me feeling more satisfied in what I eat.

Cabbage is an Awesome example, it contains some natural sugar, and I have abandoned most other leafy greens, because cabbage makes me feel like I have eaten something substantial (mostly I use it as a "wrap" for whatever I am eating at the time). Cabbage also contains huge doses of vitamin K and C and even has about a gram and a quarter of protein per 100g serving. Whatta champ.

But, I digress. I find it much easier to curtail my overeating if I plan my meals in advance. I know what I am going to have for breakfast, lunch and dinner tomorrow, and I know the portion sizes of my meal tonight and etc. This rigid structure keeps me in check, if I follow the frame work, I may still be tempted to take some twizzlers off of my wife's desk, but I know that I am not going to. Partly because, I have told you that I am not going to, but mostly because I am following the plan for the day, and baby, twizzlers aren't on it. Food has been a source of entertainment for me all of my life. I wish that I had understood this before, but better late than never. Now, I must transition food into a necessary part of my day, perhaps one that I do -really- enjoy but not something to do in my spare time. I believe that this change in attitude might make me successful.

To my brothers and sisters out there who are hurting because they just polished off the last of the ice cream, or realized too late that they can no longer see their feet without making an effort, I feel you today. I encourage you to take an honest look at why you eat. Yes, I know that you like the taste of it and the action of it, but what motivates you to eat? For me, it is boredom, for others eating is how they cope with highs and lows in emotion; what drives you, and then examine whether that is a healthy relationship to have with your dinner.

American Fattie

-375.4-

Goals

I think that it is good to have goals. I can be pretty shitty as far as follow-through goes, but I suppose goals are the first step. I want to live more in the moment. I don't mean that I want to make short sighted decisions and go back to scarfing down sausage and grits, but I mean that I want to enjoy the moment that I am living in. I sit here eating my lunch: 7 almonds and 12 ounce smoothie. As much as I want to hate them, and wish for a roast beef sandwich with the trimmings; I find that I cannot. If I am going to live in this moment, it can't be about the last time that I ate something fried and greasy, it has to be about how much I am enjoying what I have now. The smoothie is delicious (1 part soy milk (organic vanilla), 1 part cran-raspberry juice (light 40 kcal/8 oz), 1 scoop of whey protein powder mix and a few ice cubes), the almonds while too few, provide that sense of chewing that I need and let my stomach know that it has something in it. All in all a lunch that I was honestly looking forward to.

I do have goals as far as my weight is concerned. I am trying to set reasonable expectations for the short-term, and build up to a plan for the long run.

Goal the First:

I went back to college ~2.5 years ago and am finishing my Bachelor's degree June the 12th. For christmas, my wife bought me a new wedding band (when we married 5 years ago, we didn't have the money for a nice ring for me, so we got a cheap 14k gold band). She bought me a beautiful tungsten carbide band... and it doesn't fit. It is not far off the mark, but I can't wear it today. I am hoping that by the 12th of June it will fit.

Goal the Second:

I have a pea coat that I love, and it is a smidgen too small. Granted we're going into summer shortly, but I want by this fall to be able to wear that coat comfortably.

Goal the Third:

The 50 pound mark. I go in to see my doctor, and his scale only registers up to 350 lbs until it loops back around and becomes inaccurate, I would like to weigh in at the doctor and have it be clearly readable, and not have to mumble what I think my current weight is. That -does- suck.

Goal the Nth:

Reach my goal weight. Obviously I hope to find middle points along the way, but my ultimate goal is to hit 225. From there I can decide if I want to lose some more, or not. But 225 is, for me, the magic number.

So there you are, my goals.

American Fattie

388.4

Death

Many great stories begin with death. Achilles' death at troy kicked off the adventures of Aeneas and the founding of Rome, Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru's death pushed luke over the angsty edge into following ol' Ben Kenobi out of the desert and George Washington would have never been able to beat King George in that no holds barred cage match for supremecy in the west. Or something. Anyway, I am an American guy who's turning 30 in a month, and I weigh 395.2 pounds. That's a lot of American powered by one heart. My family, who loves me dearly, would like to maybe see me turn 35 without having to visit a graveside.

It is hard to admit when you are fat. I don't hate myself, I'm not emo, hell - I don't really even have esteem problems. I am an American man, and as such feel entitled to the bravado of John Wayne and the right to eat what I want, when I want and what not. Though, here I am. 395.2 pounds. When I met my wife I weighed about 220, not really fair to her that I ballooned up the way that I did over the 10 years that followed. On top of that, my doctor finally brought up the possibility of the Lap-Band as a solution to my weight issue.

This was a wake up call for me. I know that I'm fat, but I always figured that it would sort itself out at some point down the road. Fat-minus pills or something, who knows. Here I am though, and as much as I hate the idea of giving up my favorite foods, the idea of some masked avenger lasso-ing my stomach and stitching me back up is not a lovely option. Not to mention that the complication rate over the life of a device is 10%...yeah, I may not be a Korean math student, but i'm pretty sure that I don't want to take that risk.

Instead, I am pursuing a radical new way to lose weight. I call it the ELEMF method (Eat Less Exercise More, Fattie). Yes my worst nightmare has come true, I am going to have to bring to bear my American Bravado and apply it to my own eating habits. Three meals a day, each no more than 6 ounces and containing no high-fat proteins and limited carbohydrates. Sounds like fun, doesn't it? Rather than banning any particular foods, I am forcing myself to make good food choices. Primarily fresh, clean, wholesome foods etc. etc, and gone are preservative and processed foods (except for yogurt, the light yogurts at 100 calories for 6 ounces is a decent little meal, but unfortunately contain some corn derivatives that I would rather avoid).

Americans, I think, have a habit of living life the way that I have been (with regard to food): if it's big and cheap, it is good. We are a society that doesn't care about how good a product is, but what kind of deal we can get on it. Exhibit A: the McDouble. A double patty cheeseburger from McDonalds, something like a quarter pound of beef total and american cheese etc all for a buck. We love shit like this. Yeah the burger is a crappy burger, but look how cheap it is. Yeah, the burger has rediculous amounts of nasty Fattie building ingredients, BUT LOOK HOW CHEAP IT IS. We forgive a pos food like this for being terrible for us and of limited quality, if the product costs less than a Big Gulp and is made for us in seconds. It becomes, in our mind, a good value, so good that you might have two. See where this is going?

I can't blame anyone other than myself. I can cook, in fact I am pretty good, but I have skipped plenty of chances to cook for a mcnugget (and i fucking hate mcnuggets). I also have a tendancy to skip breakfast, double up on lunch, snack until dinner and then eat my way through, i dunno, half a pizza, then it's more snacking until bed. I don't think that these habits are odd for the average American Fattie, 'cause i see plenty of folks as big as I am - and they didn't get that way by eating spinach and kale. The food is there, and convenient, and i choose to eat it - I can decide not to, but up until now, I have gleefully munched my way through life.

So now, where am I? Well, I lied, i don't weigh 395.2 pounds today. I have been on my new method for a few days and I weighed 392.2 pounds this morning. No, I don't think I will lose 3 pounds a week until I reach my goal, but I feel good about even starting. I know that I can do this, I am from strong willed stock who rustled cattle and lived through the depression. I am an American Fattie who is finally hoping to just become an American.